Sunday, May 13, 2007

I hate Mother's Day

This is the 10th one since my Mom died and I still hate it. I thought the first one was crappy; that eventually I would get over it... but...nope, I still cry on Mother's Day. It was the one day of the year (and her birthday was the other) when, no matter where I was, I would go home to visit. It became a ritual.

It seems a tear creeps down my cheek many a day during a year. Like, when I think of how much I want to pick up the phone and call her. I still catch myself going to the phone thinking "I'll just call Mom"... I guess that will never end either. I have things to tell her; questions to ask; decisions to make; queries that only she can answer. Between letters, we always talked on the phone. It's a wonder we had anything left to talk about...but we sure did! We could easily yak for an hour.

The two of us used to keep Hallmark in business. We sent letters and cards back and forth regularly. When we went through her closets I saw how many... she kept every single one!!! There were boxes of them! How I loved to see her handwriting on an envelope when I opened my mail box. "Keeping the spiders away" she would call it when she sent letters..... but now, at special times of the year I don't even go near the cards and plenty of spiders now DO live in my mailbox.

Tears fill my eyes when I think of the all the things we do now that she never got to see or enjoy. My bears, dolls....even my motorcycle.. all happened after her death. She would have loved to see them all and cheer me on as she always did. For all of us kids...she really was our biggest fan in our every little endeavour. She would always tell us how great we did and we would always say... "oh, have to say that... you're our Mom", but in our heart of hearts we would feel so proud that she was proud of us.

Of course, the tears are mostly me feeling sorry for myself... why shouldn't I? But for her too in that she just wasn't given enough time to squeeze out more years from the best part of her life. she was a good and kind person; a very special lady and she deserved better.

A shakey beginning and most of her life were really not what anybody could describe as happy. Most would have floundered and gone right to the bottom, but she persevered and ..........finally, way late in life, .... she moved near her beloved ocean; found some wonderful friends that she enjoyed spending endless hours with....was closer for visiting her favourite Scrabble partner in a nearby city...and actually had some $$$ as she always called it....for doing what she wanted to do.

I guess Mother's Day is just one of those things...... a day in my life that is a bit like a bitter pill that must be swallowed. I have to do it but I don't have to like it.

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