Today in the mail I got my reminder that it is time for my MAMMOGRAM. In this province we have a breast screening program and once you are signed in with them...they track you down no matter where you go. Which, of coure, is a good thing. We do tend to "forget" how long ago the last one was don't we! However... if you have an experience like this... well, ... perhaps you sort of hesitate.....
"My First Mammogram"
The first mammogram is the worst, especially when the machine
catches on fire. That's what happened to me.
The technician, Gail, positioned me exactly as she wanted me (think a really
complicated game of Twister - right hand on the blue, left shoulder on the
yellow, right breast as far away as humanly possible from the rest of your
body). Then she clamped the machine down so tight, I think my breast
actually turned inside out. I'm pretty sure Victoria's Secret doesn't have a
bra for that.
Suddenly, there was a loud popping noise. I looked down at my right
breast to make sure it hadn't exploded. Nope, it was still flat as a
pancake and still attached to my body.
"Oh no!" Gail said loudly. These are perhaps, the words you least
want to hear from any health professional.
Suddenly, she came flying past me, her lab coat whipping behind her,
on her way out the door. She yelled over her shoulder, "The machine's on
fire, I'm going to get help!"
OK, I was wrong, 'The machine's on fire,' are the worst words you
can hear from a health professional, especially if you're all alone and
semi-permanently attached to A MACHINE and don't know if it's THE
MACHINE in question.
I struggled for a few seconds trying to get free, but even Houdini
couldn't have escaped. I decided to go to plan B: yelling at the top
of my lung (the one that was still working).
I hadn't seen anything on fire, so my panic hadn't quite reached epic proportions. But then I started to smell smoke coming from behind the partition. "This is ridiculous," I thought. I can't die like this. What would they put in my obituary? Cause of death: breast entrapment?
I may have inhaled some fumes because I started to hallucinate. An imaginary fireman rushed in with a firehose and a hatchet. "Howdy, ma'am," he said. "What's happened here?" he asked, averting his eyes.
"My breasts were too hot for the machine," I quipped, as my imaginary fireman ran out of the room again. "This is gonna take the Jaws of Life!"
In reality, Gail returned with a fire extinguisher and put out the fire.
She gave me a big smile and released me from the machine. "Sorry! That's the first time that's ever happened. Why don't you take a few minutes to relax before we finish up?"
I think that's what she said. I was running across the parking lot
in my backless paper gown at the time. After I'd relaxed for a few
years, I figured I might go back. But I was bringing my own fire
Oh, alright.... this did NOT happen to me... but you have to admit... it IS good for a laugh. Wonder if my techs have seen this?.. Think I will take it for them to read. Maybe they can use a laugh too.